40 years old, and time is running out!

40 years old.

At this age many things should be happening. I should be settling into the "cruise control" part of life, by now. My career should be settled, my family should be maturing nicely, all the struggles of the last twenty years should have born fruit, and I should be enjoying it all.

What this means to me is that should now be looking towards setting myself up for retirement.

I don't know, it seems to me that there just are not enough years between 20 and 40. The thought that there is about the same amount of time left in my career as I have had so far makes me panic a bit.

It has become one of my late night AAArrrrh moments, like my death and the thought of personal annihilation.

So a couple of weeks ago I had the great news that Jacqui, my lovely wife, was pregnant. I then had the less welcome news that Jacqui had miscarried. Buggerfuck.

This kind of brought a few things into focus. Like I have been stupid in not realizing what actually is important in my life.

I crave a big project, chaos and uncertainty. I used to think I didn't but now all that has been removed I realsize it's what makes me feel alive. And there is no bigger project, nothing so uncertain and no greater chaos that can visited upon you than a baby.

We didn't push trying to find out why Jacqui wasn't getting pregnant because of our 'busy life', Emigrating, buying a house, going back to see the family etc. until it is almost too late. 40 years old is the cut off point for fertility treatment in NZ, so I did what I swore I would never do, and we went private.

I hate the idea of private medicine.

I think in a truly good society, wealth shouldn't mean worth, so the fact I have a good job shouldn't mean that I should get better basic services (I regard Health as a basic service) than a poor person.

Dangerously Socialist in the US, common sense in Wales.

Anyway we met a realy nice Doctor who got us a load of tests (I had to wank in a jar!! horray!!!!) and we now have a clear way forward. So watch this space

On another note, Jacqui turned 40 on the 16th, and to celebrate, we all went ona trip to Wellington, stayed in a 5 star hotel (a suite!!) and saw the Monet exhiubition a Te Papa Museum.

The Impressionist paintings (Monet, Cezanne, Degas etc) were superb, The rest of the museum was a bit of a curates egg, OK in parts (Though we have been slightly spoilt by seeing the London Museums last year). Full blog to follow.

I want to go to the Smithsonian. But that can wait till after I get a baby sorted.