Playing live, a musicians guide

Hi,

Here are some tips for aspiring musicians when playing in front of people other than your Mam:

1. Don't look at your shoes (unless they are really awesome, like Elton John's in Tommy), the audience is like a pack of wolves and can smell fear. If you are scared, they will attack, or worse, ignore you.

2. Tune your instruments before starting playing.

You aren't getting paid? no reason not to be professional

3. Write out a setlist.

And for God's sake don't say 'any requests?' There are thousands of songs in the world, the likelihood that you will get asked to play something you know is tiny.

4. Be proficient at the song you are doing.

Believe me the audience does not like you yet, unless you impress they will walk and you will feel like shite. Being in a bad band is slightly more embarrassing than that dream where you are in work and you realize you forgot to wear trousers.

5. Jokes: Don't!

Unless you are blessed with a total disregard for the opinion of the audience, because you will become nervous telling/making the joke, it will fall flat, and you absolutely will look a cock.

6. Enjoy it!

Having fun is infectious, if you are so nervous it feels like torture, you will be better of writing bad poetry in your bedroom. See all those old guys not in a band? you will be surprised how many of them were in a band and decided it wasn't for them, no shame in that.

7 Drink/Drugs: No!!

Chemical assistance may feel like a good idea when getting on stage, it isn't. To get rid of nerves on Alcohol requires you be pissed, and no one plays well when shitfaced. Speed reduces you accuracy if you are a guitarist and is poison for drummers, and cocaine turns you average egotistical wanker (or guitarist/singer) into Fred Durst. If you cant do it straight, them don't do it at all.

8. Expect rejection.

If you took Led Zepplin at their best and made them play at a old man's pub on a Thursday there is a fair chance the audience would just ignore them.

9 Screw the Audience's opinion

Opinions are like assholes, everyones got one but I don't need to hear it. I don't care what the audience think as most of them are idiots, and if they weren't they would be playing themselves.

10. Don't try and be a Star#1

The point of music at the lower level is to express oneself and to enjoy the process; stardom and money are side products of that. If you try and get into music to be rich and famous you will be disappointed, either because you will still be poor and obscure, or if you get fame you will not enjoy it. Whats the point of fame for fames sake? As Ricky Gervais said, if you want to be famous, murder a nun.

11. Don't try and be a Star#2

What worked for David Bowie will not work for you. If you walk into a School Muso Night in a faux fur coat, wearing glitter and platforms, treating the audience like they are privileged to gaze on your magnificence you will get called a tool when performing and likely get a kicking later on. Be Honest!

12. Papa Don't Preach!

You are not a politician, you are not a Philosopher, you are not Christopher Hitchens or the Dalai Lama, the audience did not come to hear you talk, they came to listen to badly played 70's rock anthems like Sweet Home Alabama.

Bono is in the Worlds Biggest Band. Everyone thinks he is a twat. Ask yourself why is that? You are worried about the forests/fish/starving millions/cars etc? So is everyone else but no one gives a toss what you think you spotty little tool.

Being a musician is brilliant, I love that shit, but I do it because I want to do it, and I don't care what everyone else thinks; I play my own music and I don't crave the audiences approval, which is more than likely why I enjoy it so much..